WHO – would be able to live with this name? Roger Titman has severed his ties with Vodafone after being mocked by call centre operators. He’s switched carrier in protest. Glad that’s off his chest.
WHAT – do you look like? Poor old Spud the hedgehog with no spines after an illness. Maybe he should get himself down to The Treasury –plenty of pricks there.
WHEN – they raise the University fees to £7,000 does that include the bar tab?
WHERE – is the point? A guy in Finland has had a USB stick installed in his false finger, which he lost in a motorbike accident. For a price he’ll come round and stick it in your laptop.
WHY – does Otto Baxter’s mum think she’s helping? He has Downs Syndrome and his mother has announced to anyone who will listen that she’d wants him to get laid because that’s ‘normal’. Sorry, wanking is absolutely normal at 21. That’s what I kept telling myself, anyway.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Monday, 16 March 2009
free coca-cola, symbol of free west
WHO – ya gonna call? I like Ray Parker Jr. in the 118 ads. I’m looking forward to Olay signing George Benson for ‘Gimmie the Night Cream’.
WHAT – do you want on yours? The first ever pizza restaurant is set open in North Korea. Everyone – I mean everyone - is having the Meat Feast.
WHEN – Chris Tarrant was taken in by police for questioning was he allowed to phone a friend?
WHERE – is the Batman? After a stow-away bat was spotted on the Discovery space shuttle does this mean Richard Branson really will be The Joker on Virgin Galactic?
WHY – does Sky New’s Fritzl Twitter just sound WRONG? What next – the Gary Glitter Google?
WHAT – do you want on yours? The first ever pizza restaurant is set open in North Korea. Everyone – I mean everyone - is having the Meat Feast.
WHEN – Chris Tarrant was taken in by police for questioning was he allowed to phone a friend?
WHERE – is the Batman? After a stow-away bat was spotted on the Discovery space shuttle does this mean Richard Branson really will be The Joker on Virgin Galactic?
WHY – does Sky New’s Fritzl Twitter just sound WRONG? What next – the Gary Glitter Google?
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
pick'n'mix this, bitch!
WHO – is Clare Robertson? She’s the woman who decided to re-launch her defunct local Woolworths as ‘Wellworths’ I only hope she didn’t get her bank loan from Frauds TSB.
WHAT – gave LA customs the idea that Coolio might be into drugs? Gansta’s Paradise, Devil Is Dope, Kinda High Kinda Dope? It was the hair wasn’t it?
WHEN – do the officials at Eurovision draw the line? When lyrics are political? A Georgian song has been banned due to it’s anti-Putin lyric:
“We don't wanna put in, Cuz negative move, It's killin' the groove,
I'm gonna try to shoot in, Some disco tonight, Boogie with you”. Pete Seeger would have been proud of that one!
WHERE – are all the cats? It seems the rat population is soaring in the UK but don’t worry we’ve made our protest by hitting their leader in the face with green custard.
WHY – is the loan to Jaguar Land Rover called a ‘Green Grant’? If you are manufacturing anything (especially a car) it’s not exactly green is it? Just more stuff.
WHAT – gave LA customs the idea that Coolio might be into drugs? Gansta’s Paradise, Devil Is Dope, Kinda High Kinda Dope? It was the hair wasn’t it?
WHEN – do the officials at Eurovision draw the line? When lyrics are political? A Georgian song has been banned due to it’s anti-Putin lyric:
“We don't wanna put in, Cuz negative move, It's killin' the groove,
I'm gonna try to shoot in, Some disco tonight, Boogie with you”. Pete Seeger would have been proud of that one!
WHERE – are all the cats? It seems the rat population is soaring in the UK but don’t worry we’ve made our protest by hitting their leader in the face with green custard.
WHY – is the loan to Jaguar Land Rover called a ‘Green Grant’? If you are manufacturing anything (especially a car) it’s not exactly green is it? Just more stuff.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
he's not a believer in Darwinism
WHO – is Peter Mandelson to say that the British are work shy? Especially with the amount of jobs he’s had.
WHAT – did you expect? The judge is the case of the girl who bit off her boyfriends tongue told her he didn’t want any lip from her.
WHEN – will Annie Lennox learn that ‘Why’ is a one syllable word?
WHERE – is the big breakthrough? Scientists say that the chimp who stores up rocks to throw at people shows incredible signs of forward planning. What…like a bird fetching twigs to build a nest isn’t thinking of the future?
WHY – does the Queen know so much about fast cars? On presenting Lewis Hamilton with his MBE did she discuss the perils of driving a speeding Mercedes through a tunnel?
WHAT – did you expect? The judge is the case of the girl who bit off her boyfriends tongue told her he didn’t want any lip from her.
WHEN – will Annie Lennox learn that ‘Why’ is a one syllable word?
WHERE – is the big breakthrough? Scientists say that the chimp who stores up rocks to throw at people shows incredible signs of forward planning. What…like a bird fetching twigs to build a nest isn’t thinking of the future?
WHY – does the Queen know so much about fast cars? On presenting Lewis Hamilton with his MBE did she discuss the perils of driving a speeding Mercedes through a tunnel?
Monday, 9 March 2009
now you see him...
WHO – else is worried that Ali Bongo is not, in fact, dead? It could be his greatest trick ever!
WHAT – is the big deal about a Charmin Terrier winning Crufts? Our friend’s kid thinks all pooches are called that. Any dog messing outside and her dad screams "That's Charmin!"
WHEN – will it all end? Prince Charles says we have only 100 months to save the planet. On the plus side, at least he’ll get to see Michael Jackson one more time.
WHERE – is Ken taking her? Barbie turns 50 today. Do you think she’s had any work done?
WHY – is there so much fuss about this Swiss gigolo? Just like the big banks, he screwed people out of their life savings. But at least he had the decency to buy them dinner first.
WHAT – is the big deal about a Charmin Terrier winning Crufts? Our friend’s kid thinks all pooches are called that. Any dog messing outside and her dad screams "That's Charmin!"
WHEN – will it all end? Prince Charles says we have only 100 months to save the planet. On the plus side, at least he’ll get to see Michael Jackson one more time.
WHERE – is Ken taking her? Barbie turns 50 today. Do you think she’s had any work done?
WHY – is there so much fuss about this Swiss gigolo? Just like the big banks, he screwed people out of their life savings. But at least he had the decency to buy them dinner first.
Friday, 6 March 2009
she should have left it in the tin
WHO – else noticed the ad for a free Aero bar above Jacko’s front page Daily Mirror photo? Presumably it’s because they are both full of bubbles.
WHAT – was Cheryl Cole so upset about? When Ashley got fined for being drunk and disorderly, she was so annoyed. That’s HER job.
WHEN – Heston Blumenthal saw footage of Mandelson being covered in green custard, did he immediately invent the new desert ‘Splattered Dick’?
WHERE – is the beef? Michelle Obama volunteered at kitchen for the homeless. Her husband would have gone but he was out of loaves and fishes.
WHY – do people always have a ‘nice’ cup of tea? Never a sarcastic one, is it?
WHAT – was Cheryl Cole so upset about? When Ashley got fined for being drunk and disorderly, she was so annoyed. That’s HER job.
WHEN – Heston Blumenthal saw footage of Mandelson being covered in green custard, did he immediately invent the new desert ‘Splattered Dick’?
WHERE – is the beef? Michelle Obama volunteered at kitchen for the homeless. Her husband would have gone but he was out of loaves and fishes.
WHY – do people always have a ‘nice’ cup of tea? Never a sarcastic one, is it?
Thursday, 5 March 2009
I'm blowing smoke up your tail
WHO – wants to form a Milli Vanilli tribute band? We’ll put on the records and mime. It’ll be really authentic.
WHAT – is the other advantage of the Papal technology ban for lent? It’s hard to confess your sins on twitter in less than 140 characters.
WHEN – the Bank of England prints out extra new notes will they reflect the climate by replacing the Queen with Mickey Mouse?
WHERE – is the cat at? He’s in the girlfriends bong! What a story. See, it starts with cat-nip then it all goes to pot.
WHY – don’t we all indulge in some quantitative easing? Enjoy!
WHAT – is the other advantage of the Papal technology ban for lent? It’s hard to confess your sins on twitter in less than 140 characters.
WHEN – the Bank of England prints out extra new notes will they reflect the climate by replacing the Queen with Mickey Mouse?
WHERE – is the cat at? He’s in the girlfriends bong! What a story. See, it starts with cat-nip then it all goes to pot.
WHY – don’t we all indulge in some quantitative easing? Enjoy!
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