WHO – would be able to live with this name? Roger Titman has severed his ties with Vodafone after being mocked by call centre operators. He’s switched carrier in protest. Glad that’s off his chest.
WHAT – do you look like? Poor old Spud the hedgehog with no spines after an illness. Maybe he should get himself down to The Treasury –plenty of pricks there.
WHEN – they raise the University fees to £7,000 does that include the bar tab?
WHERE – is the point? A guy in Finland has had a USB stick installed in his false finger, which he lost in a motorbike accident. For a price he’ll come round and stick it in your laptop.
WHY – does Otto Baxter’s mum think she’s helping? He has Downs Syndrome and his mother has announced to anyone who will listen that she’d wants him to get laid because that’s ‘normal’. Sorry, wanking is absolutely normal at 21. That’s what I kept telling myself, anyway.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Monday, 16 March 2009
free coca-cola, symbol of free west
WHO – ya gonna call? I like Ray Parker Jr. in the 118 ads. I’m looking forward to Olay signing George Benson for ‘Gimmie the Night Cream’.
WHAT – do you want on yours? The first ever pizza restaurant is set open in North Korea. Everyone – I mean everyone - is having the Meat Feast.
WHEN – Chris Tarrant was taken in by police for questioning was he allowed to phone a friend?
WHERE – is the Batman? After a stow-away bat was spotted on the Discovery space shuttle does this mean Richard Branson really will be The Joker on Virgin Galactic?
WHY – does Sky New’s Fritzl Twitter just sound WRONG? What next – the Gary Glitter Google?
WHAT – do you want on yours? The first ever pizza restaurant is set open in North Korea. Everyone – I mean everyone - is having the Meat Feast.
WHEN – Chris Tarrant was taken in by police for questioning was he allowed to phone a friend?
WHERE – is the Batman? After a stow-away bat was spotted on the Discovery space shuttle does this mean Richard Branson really will be The Joker on Virgin Galactic?
WHY – does Sky New’s Fritzl Twitter just sound WRONG? What next – the Gary Glitter Google?
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
pick'n'mix this, bitch!
WHO – is Clare Robertson? She’s the woman who decided to re-launch her defunct local Woolworths as ‘Wellworths’ I only hope she didn’t get her bank loan from Frauds TSB.
WHAT – gave LA customs the idea that Coolio might be into drugs? Gansta’s Paradise, Devil Is Dope, Kinda High Kinda Dope? It was the hair wasn’t it?
WHEN – do the officials at Eurovision draw the line? When lyrics are political? A Georgian song has been banned due to it’s anti-Putin lyric:
“We don't wanna put in, Cuz negative move, It's killin' the groove,
I'm gonna try to shoot in, Some disco tonight, Boogie with you”. Pete Seeger would have been proud of that one!
WHERE – are all the cats? It seems the rat population is soaring in the UK but don’t worry we’ve made our protest by hitting their leader in the face with green custard.
WHY – is the loan to Jaguar Land Rover called a ‘Green Grant’? If you are manufacturing anything (especially a car) it’s not exactly green is it? Just more stuff.
WHAT – gave LA customs the idea that Coolio might be into drugs? Gansta’s Paradise, Devil Is Dope, Kinda High Kinda Dope? It was the hair wasn’t it?
WHEN – do the officials at Eurovision draw the line? When lyrics are political? A Georgian song has been banned due to it’s anti-Putin lyric:
“We don't wanna put in, Cuz negative move, It's killin' the groove,
I'm gonna try to shoot in, Some disco tonight, Boogie with you”. Pete Seeger would have been proud of that one!
WHERE – are all the cats? It seems the rat population is soaring in the UK but don’t worry we’ve made our protest by hitting their leader in the face with green custard.
WHY – is the loan to Jaguar Land Rover called a ‘Green Grant’? If you are manufacturing anything (especially a car) it’s not exactly green is it? Just more stuff.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
he's not a believer in Darwinism
WHO – is Peter Mandelson to say that the British are work shy? Especially with the amount of jobs he’s had.
WHAT – did you expect? The judge is the case of the girl who bit off her boyfriends tongue told her he didn’t want any lip from her.
WHEN – will Annie Lennox learn that ‘Why’ is a one syllable word?
WHERE – is the big breakthrough? Scientists say that the chimp who stores up rocks to throw at people shows incredible signs of forward planning. What…like a bird fetching twigs to build a nest isn’t thinking of the future?
WHY – does the Queen know so much about fast cars? On presenting Lewis Hamilton with his MBE did she discuss the perils of driving a speeding Mercedes through a tunnel?
WHAT – did you expect? The judge is the case of the girl who bit off her boyfriends tongue told her he didn’t want any lip from her.
WHEN – will Annie Lennox learn that ‘Why’ is a one syllable word?
WHERE – is the big breakthrough? Scientists say that the chimp who stores up rocks to throw at people shows incredible signs of forward planning. What…like a bird fetching twigs to build a nest isn’t thinking of the future?
WHY – does the Queen know so much about fast cars? On presenting Lewis Hamilton with his MBE did she discuss the perils of driving a speeding Mercedes through a tunnel?
Monday, 9 March 2009
now you see him...
WHO – else is worried that Ali Bongo is not, in fact, dead? It could be his greatest trick ever!
WHAT – is the big deal about a Charmin Terrier winning Crufts? Our friend’s kid thinks all pooches are called that. Any dog messing outside and her dad screams "That's Charmin!"
WHEN – will it all end? Prince Charles says we have only 100 months to save the planet. On the plus side, at least he’ll get to see Michael Jackson one more time.
WHERE – is Ken taking her? Barbie turns 50 today. Do you think she’s had any work done?
WHY – is there so much fuss about this Swiss gigolo? Just like the big banks, he screwed people out of their life savings. But at least he had the decency to buy them dinner first.
WHAT – is the big deal about a Charmin Terrier winning Crufts? Our friend’s kid thinks all pooches are called that. Any dog messing outside and her dad screams "That's Charmin!"
WHEN – will it all end? Prince Charles says we have only 100 months to save the planet. On the plus side, at least he’ll get to see Michael Jackson one more time.
WHERE – is Ken taking her? Barbie turns 50 today. Do you think she’s had any work done?
WHY – is there so much fuss about this Swiss gigolo? Just like the big banks, he screwed people out of their life savings. But at least he had the decency to buy them dinner first.
Friday, 6 March 2009
she should have left it in the tin
WHO – else noticed the ad for a free Aero bar above Jacko’s front page Daily Mirror photo? Presumably it’s because they are both full of bubbles.
WHAT – was Cheryl Cole so upset about? When Ashley got fined for being drunk and disorderly, she was so annoyed. That’s HER job.
WHEN – Heston Blumenthal saw footage of Mandelson being covered in green custard, did he immediately invent the new desert ‘Splattered Dick’?
WHERE – is the beef? Michelle Obama volunteered at kitchen for the homeless. Her husband would have gone but he was out of loaves and fishes.
WHY – do people always have a ‘nice’ cup of tea? Never a sarcastic one, is it?
WHAT – was Cheryl Cole so upset about? When Ashley got fined for being drunk and disorderly, she was so annoyed. That’s HER job.
WHEN – Heston Blumenthal saw footage of Mandelson being covered in green custard, did he immediately invent the new desert ‘Splattered Dick’?
WHERE – is the beef? Michelle Obama volunteered at kitchen for the homeless. Her husband would have gone but he was out of loaves and fishes.
WHY – do people always have a ‘nice’ cup of tea? Never a sarcastic one, is it?
Thursday, 5 March 2009
I'm blowing smoke up your tail
WHO – wants to form a Milli Vanilli tribute band? We’ll put on the records and mime. It’ll be really authentic.
WHAT – is the other advantage of the Papal technology ban for lent? It’s hard to confess your sins on twitter in less than 140 characters.
WHEN – the Bank of England prints out extra new notes will they reflect the climate by replacing the Queen with Mickey Mouse?
WHERE – is the cat at? He’s in the girlfriends bong! What a story. See, it starts with cat-nip then it all goes to pot.
WHY – don’t we all indulge in some quantitative easing? Enjoy!
WHAT – is the other advantage of the Papal technology ban for lent? It’s hard to confess your sins on twitter in less than 140 characters.
WHEN – the Bank of England prints out extra new notes will they reflect the climate by replacing the Queen with Mickey Mouse?
WHERE – is the cat at? He’s in the girlfriends bong! What a story. See, it starts with cat-nip then it all goes to pot.
WHY – don’t we all indulge in some quantitative easing? Enjoy!
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
bombay gin martini
WHO – saw Heston Blumenthal’s new show? What with all the phallic symbols and dildos, thank God he wasn’t doing Cock-a-Leaky.
WHAT – is the plus side of the Vatican banning SMS messaging during lent? That Latin predictive text is a bugger!
WHEN – Michael Jackson booked the O2 for a month, did someone point out that it’s not, in fact, a giant oxygen tank?
WHERE – is our apology? If Mr. Brown says ”sorry” while in America, it’ll be the equivalent of him crossing his fingers behind his back.
WHY – shouldn’t Danny Boyle do the next Bond movie? “The Spy from Mumbai”.
WHAT – is the plus side of the Vatican banning SMS messaging during lent? That Latin predictive text is a bugger!
WHEN – Michael Jackson booked the O2 for a month, did someone point out that it’s not, in fact, a giant oxygen tank?
WHERE – is our apology? If Mr. Brown says ”sorry” while in America, it’ll be the equivalent of him crossing his fingers behind his back.
WHY – shouldn’t Danny Boyle do the next Bond movie? “The Spy from Mumbai”.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
he was one of the Blockheads
WHO – likes this movie pitch? “The International” meets “A Beautiful Mind” meets “The Omen”: "Money is the Square Root of All Evil"
WHAT – about those Stroke awareness ads? If I see someone with their head on fire and face drooping I just think Michael Jackson, 1984.
WHEN – security guards are interviewed for the Picasso exhibition, are they required to have eyes in the back of their heads?
WHERE – is the quiz show justice? The students on University Challenge used to make me feel good for being a dumb layabout. Now it seems I have to have a job as well.
WHY – is anyone surprised at the heath scare at The Fat Duck? On his last TV series Heston used a JCB, a rubbish bin and an industrial wind tunnel to make food. The clues were there!
WHAT – about those Stroke awareness ads? If I see someone with their head on fire and face drooping I just think Michael Jackson, 1984.
WHEN – security guards are interviewed for the Picasso exhibition, are they required to have eyes in the back of their heads?
WHERE – is the quiz show justice? The students on University Challenge used to make me feel good for being a dumb layabout. Now it seems I have to have a job as well.
WHY – is anyone surprised at the heath scare at The Fat Duck? On his last TV series Heston used a JCB, a rubbish bin and an industrial wind tunnel to make food. The clues were there!
Monday, 2 March 2009
mine's a tall skinny one with extra foam
WHO – would like a refill? A guy in Maine, US has just opened The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop. Waiters and waitresses will be naked from the waist up. Presumably, customers can join in if they want to express themselves.
WHAT – would Samuel Pepys have made of Twitter? “I went out to Charing Cross to see Major General Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could in that condition. Staying in for Gossip Girl tonight”.
WHEN – facebook hackers break into someone’s page do they leave a message on your firewall?
WHERE – will Sir Fred Goodwin put his pension money? Now there’s an investment tip.
WHY – does it now cost more money for my suitcase to fly overseas than it does me?
WHAT – would Samuel Pepys have made of Twitter? “I went out to Charing Cross to see Major General Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could in that condition. Staying in for Gossip Girl tonight”.
WHEN – facebook hackers break into someone’s page do they leave a message on your firewall?
WHERE – will Sir Fred Goodwin put his pension money? Now there’s an investment tip.
WHY – does it now cost more money for my suitcase to fly overseas than it does me?
Thursday, 26 February 2009
dumb dog millionaires?
WHO – needs a Nintendo ‘brain trainer’? A study has shown that you get as mush benefit by simply doing a crossword. Clue: a product that is overpriced, esp. one that is inferior or an imitation (3,3)
WHAT – kind of pet have the Obamas settled on for the White House? A Portuguese water dog; apparently, its Barack is worse than it Barite.
WHEN – the NME gave awards to The Cure, Blur, Oasis and Michael Eavis, did they consider a name change to OME?
WHERE – is the city of Worcester going to be twinned with? Well, the plan is Gaza. Haven’t those poor people suffered enough?
WHY – are the ‘customers’ in the new confused.com ad so excited about the updated service? Just how much insurance are these people buying?
WHAT – kind of pet have the Obamas settled on for the White House? A Portuguese water dog; apparently, its Barack is worse than it Barite.
WHEN – the NME gave awards to The Cure, Blur, Oasis and Michael Eavis, did they consider a name change to OME?
WHERE – is the city of Worcester going to be twinned with? Well, the plan is Gaza. Haven’t those poor people suffered enough?
WHY – are the ‘customers’ in the new confused.com ad so excited about the updated service? Just how much insurance are these people buying?
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
never milk the bullocks
WHO – ate all the chocs? Cadbury just posted a pre-tax profit of £550 million for 2008. They must have thought all of their Easters had come at once.
WHAT – was that outside the window during the plane ride from Argentina for Holocaust doubter Bishop Williamson? Oh yeah, flying pigs.
WHEN – people complained about Gary Rhodes misleading ad for Flora Buttery, did they also moan about the John Lydon one for Country Life? It doesn’t taste a bit like filth and fury.
WHERE – can you see Spiderman – The Musical? It’ll be on Broadway next year. Presumably, I can buy tickets on the web?
WHY – do parents keep on giving kids unfortunate names? Latest survey includes Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Terry Bull. No kidding- there was a dentist in Nottingham called Max Twist!
WHAT – was that outside the window during the plane ride from Argentina for Holocaust doubter Bishop Williamson? Oh yeah, flying pigs.
WHEN – people complained about Gary Rhodes misleading ad for Flora Buttery, did they also moan about the John Lydon one for Country Life? It doesn’t taste a bit like filth and fury.
WHERE – can you see Spiderman – The Musical? It’ll be on Broadway next year. Presumably, I can buy tickets on the web?
WHY – do parents keep on giving kids unfortunate names? Latest survey includes Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Terry Bull. No kidding- there was a dentist in Nottingham called Max Twist!
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
...maybe he meant Jennifer Hudson?
WHO – would know that there is a financial crisis? A collection of paintings owned by Yves Saint-Laurent have just raised over £180 Million. Proving there’s at least still some money in the Left Bank.
WHAT – are the chances that our PM will try to curry favour with the US President next week by opening his address to congress with the words “Say it loud, I’m Brown and I’m proud!”
WHEN – captain Sullenberger was being questioned about the Hudson plane crash, he revealed that his pay had been cut over the past year. Does that mean his goose was already cooked?
WHERE – are the auditions for Danny Boyle’s next film? Dancers should try out for Mumbai School Musical 2
WHY – are people upset about the BBC using a presenter with one arm as a kids TV host? On the one hand, I think its fine…
WHAT – are the chances that our PM will try to curry favour with the US President next week by opening his address to congress with the words “Say it loud, I’m Brown and I’m proud!”
WHEN – captain Sullenberger was being questioned about the Hudson plane crash, he revealed that his pay had been cut over the past year. Does that mean his goose was already cooked?
WHERE – are the auditions for Danny Boyle’s next film? Dancers should try out for Mumbai School Musical 2
WHY – are people upset about the BBC using a presenter with one arm as a kids TV host? On the one hand, I think its fine…
Monday, 23 February 2009
let me introduce you to my little friend...Oscar
WHO – would like to see an Oscar winning movie based on a different TV show? I’m hoping for Masterchef – The Musical!
WHAT – would have been wrong with the Academy rewarding Kate Winslet with an actual bottle of shampoo? Because she’s worth it.
WHEN – the camera panned down to Brangelina during Jennifer Aniston’s bit, didn’t Angelina’s face look scarier than Heath Ledger’s Joker?
WHERE – was Eartha Kitt in the ‘those who we lost’ bit? The curse of Batman?
WHY – did Frost/Nixon lose? Because they didn’t use the better title 'David does Dick'.
WHAT – would have been wrong with the Academy rewarding Kate Winslet with an actual bottle of shampoo? Because she’s worth it.
WHEN – the camera panned down to Brangelina during Jennifer Aniston’s bit, didn’t Angelina’s face look scarier than Heath Ledger’s Joker?
WHERE – was Eartha Kitt in the ‘those who we lost’ bit? The curse of Batman?
WHY – did Frost/Nixon lose? Because they didn’t use the better title 'David does Dick'.
Saturday, 21 February 2009
now that's what I call the munchies
WHO – has heard the new Rihanna single “Beaten up by my fella…ella…ella…ella?
WHAT – possessed someone to bid £14,500 on eBay for the very last Woolworths pic’n’mix bag? Please don’t smoke and surf then net at the same time.
WHEN – the fake Oscar winners list was leaked on the net, did Kate Winslet get an early start on her fake acceptance speech?
WHERE – IS the Lost City of Atlantis? And more to the point does it have any weapons of mass crustacean?
WHY – don’t they take the money from these stimulus packages and give us all a billion each? We’d by loads of pick’n’mix!
WHAT – possessed someone to bid £14,500 on eBay for the very last Woolworths pic’n’mix bag? Please don’t smoke and surf then net at the same time.
WHEN – the fake Oscar winners list was leaked on the net, did Kate Winslet get an early start on her fake acceptance speech?
WHERE – IS the Lost City of Atlantis? And more to the point does it have any weapons of mass crustacean?
WHY – don’t they take the money from these stimulus packages and give us all a billion each? We’d by loads of pick’n’mix!
Friday, 20 February 2009
the emergency exits are being texted to you now
WHO – else is worried that the proposed musical item at the Oscars featuring the casts of Mama Mia and High School Musical together may be slightly more camp than ‘Milk’?
WHAT – is the likelihood that a Chinese dignitary may actually swallow their tongue trying to say the words “Welcome Hillary Clinton”
WHEN – you first use your mobile phone on a RyanAir flight, will you be tweeting like a bird?
WHERE – can you get a pirate copy of Mutiny On The Bounty?
WHY – is there a hairdresser near me called The Best Gents Barber 2?
Surely Number 1 is the best? This is like when Delia Smith did a sequel to ‘How to Cook’. You’d think the first book would cover it all.
WHAT – is the likelihood that a Chinese dignitary may actually swallow their tongue trying to say the words “Welcome Hillary Clinton”
WHEN – you first use your mobile phone on a RyanAir flight, will you be tweeting like a bird?
WHERE – can you get a pirate copy of Mutiny On The Bounty?
WHY – is there a hairdresser near me called The Best Gents Barber 2?
Surely Number 1 is the best? This is like when Delia Smith did a sequel to ‘How to Cook’. You’d think the first book would cover it all.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
when one status update just isn't enough
This is the first of what I hope will become a regular feature. Not a blog, as such, but a few (almost) daily questions about our evermore befuddled world. It's a simple formula; just these 5 question headings to lead off rational or otherwise thoughts. Feel free to comment or add your own!
WHO – would like to see MY stimulus package?
WHAT – was the lead singer of U2 doing without his shades? The eye make-up is more Bonobo than Bono!
WHEN – they give Abu Qatada his ‘Belmarsh compensation’, will they really punish him by making him invest in Allen Stanford?
WHERE – were you the night Duffy peaked?
WHY – is Peter Mandelson in trouble for a four-letter outburst about Starbucks? Don’t we all use that word every time we see how much a cup of coffee costs there?
WHO – would like to see MY stimulus package?
WHAT – was the lead singer of U2 doing without his shades? The eye make-up is more Bonobo than Bono!
WHEN – they give Abu Qatada his ‘Belmarsh compensation’, will they really punish him by making him invest in Allen Stanford?
WHERE – were you the night Duffy peaked?
WHY – is Peter Mandelson in trouble for a four-letter outburst about Starbucks? Don’t we all use that word every time we see how much a cup of coffee costs there?
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